looking forward to the future...

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

u have hurt me more than anyone else ever did.
u just dont get it.
u just dun understand how much pain have u inflicted on me.
i kept mumb all these while.
all becos,
i love you.
u treated me as a joke.
u treated our time as a joke..

when u wanted a broke up due to sutdies.
i reluctantly agreed.
you know how i felt at that time?
my whole life was gone.
gone.
if not my cousin who was around when i saw ur message,
i would have broken down.
broken down.
i didnt want to cry in front of him
i didnt want to cry on my new year's party
i didnt want to..
-hurt number one.-

u patched up with me the next day.
i was damn happy.
i found hope. hope.

26 february. friday.
i was having chemistry practical.
u suddenly smsed me.
u want a break up.
u said u dun think u are suitable for a relationship.
i could literally feel a dagger going through my heart.
the pain.
is undescribable.
and the pain left me in tears.
from school, straight to jurong point.
before i managed to stop.
later that day.
i confessed my truest and deepest feelings.
u said u have the same feeling too.
u said u cant bear to leave me too.
are u kidding me? joking?
bullshit.
utter bullshit.
-hurt 2-

why did i say that?
cos.
1st march.
u told me.
u gradually losing feelings to me.
all's gone.
gone.
u noe the feeling of losing someone or something so precious?
DO U NOE??
no u dont.
no.
-hurt 3-

after that. u want me not to ignore u.
HAVE U EVER WONDERED HOW DIFFICULT IT IS FOR ME TO LOOK AT U AND FEEL THOUSANDS OF ARROWS PIERCING THROUGH MY HEART!?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO U?
HAVE U EVER THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE?
HAVE U EVER THOUGHT IN MY SHOES BEFORE?
HAVE U EVER UNDERSTOOD HOW I FELT?
NO.
but i didnt tell u did i?
i asked u to give me more time.
and i'd try my best to face u again.
but i never did.
never.
becos,
i didnt recover from it at all.
never.
-hurt 4-

then, u began to ask me to give other people a chance.
that's against my values.
no way would i ever do that.
no.
i'm dead pissed by u.
pissed.
u treated it as a joke?
be it a joke or not.
IT IS NOT FUNNY.
NEITHER IS IT KIND OF U.
i tell u not to do it again.
and i thought, u would never do it again.
but i was wrong..
-hurt 5-

1.5mths later.
i began to recover from the wounds u inflicted on me.
i felt so liberated.
but.
u started it all over again.
ur cries.
sent me into hell.
many thought i bullied u?
i asked myself.
have i ever did.
have i?
no i didnt.
nv.
i can swear that i didnt.
but what can i say?
u dont know how pissed off i was then.
cant u just let me off?
some asked me what i did.
some asked me for the story.
wat's the point of all these?
i dun get it.
none thought from my part.
when u're down, people cared for u.
when i'm down, how many did? less than the number of fingers on my right hand.

i dunno what happened to me later.
i got caught in a dilemma.
i'm confused whether do i still like u or not.
on one hand, i'm pissed off by u.
on the other, my heart hurts whenever i see u down.
i gave myself time.
i asked people for advices.
i came up with a conclusion.
i still like u.
but, how am i going to tell u?
i decided to wait. wait for u birthday.
which i totally regretted.
i dun understand how ur feelings switch so fast.
unless, u arent serious at all.
ask urself. were u serious, from the start?
be truthful to urself.
-hurt 6-

why did i choose to wait for ur birthday?
when i could just tell u immediately?
all becos,
i tot it'll be very nice.
why nice?
becos, i recalled.
the time when u gave me a bottle of stars for my birthday.
i recalled the hope i had.
that, i'd see a writings on one of the stars.
i opened a few.
and my heart dropped.
i gave up.
partly becos, i lost hope.
and becos, i couldnt fold the stars back well.
idun wanna damage anymore, for a fruitless effort.
...

now,
u asked me to give people a chance.
again.
u noe i dun like it.
i wouldnt have flared up,
if u didnt write it in her tagboard.
u say u're doing it for revenge.
why so?
if u have no more feelings,
u wouldnt have bothered much.
remember that time u were down and ppl keep asking me?
i didnt bother. becos i didnt have anymore feelings.
all that i felt and didnt understand is, why did u do that.
second,
not onli have u hurt me.
u've hurt them.
but for now, u've only hurt one. beocs, i deleted that "testi" u sent me.
u call that a testi?
no.
ni de xin xiong, hao xia zai..
-hurt 7-

now.
i understand,
fully understand.
why did people warned me when we first started.
they said u werent as good as i've thought.
but i trusted u.
i trusted myself.
i ignored their warnings.
and i almost fell out with one of them.
and now.
i totally regret not heeding it.
as the saying goes.
"there's no smoke without fire"
i was blinded and dumb.
wo ren gou le.
kui wo yi zhi xiang dui ni hao.

disclaimer: this post is for her only. if u are mentioned with "them, they, someone, etc", please bear with it. i cant contain that burning flame within me anymore. EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE IS BASED ON MY TRUEST FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS. IF U DUN ENJOY READING IT. IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS.

3:53 AM
shenghui*

Friday, July 08, 2005

u disappoint me time and time again.

sigh.

i'm getting very disappointed in u.

and very irritated by u.

very.

u make me wonder.

are u worth waiting for?

life's been awful.
and it is awful.

anw, i made a few interesting observations yesterday.
there was this guy, in a cell phone shop.
and meddling with a siemens mobile.
"eh, wei shi me wo switch on ta jiu switch off de arh??" the man asked the shopkeeper, "you auto-off function de arh?"
hmmm.
imagine a phone with auto-off function.
that will be wonderful.
save battery leiiii. =P hahasss.

sigh.

why did u enter my life in the first place.

now i cant get u out.

my life has no exit door..

9:44 PM
shenghui*

Friday, July 01, 2005

xD
i'm liberated from the stupid virus that bugged me for days
*rubs nose*
x
not realli actually.
just that my temperature is back to normal.
and not a shocking 38.2 that refuses to drop the whole night,
even after dosages of panadol.
hmmm.
and guess wat?
this is perhaps my 1st time taking FULL western medication.
and i hate WESTERN MEDICATION.
eeeeks.
antibiotics.
cough mixture.
flu pill. (drowsy and non-drowsy)
lozenges.
fever pill.
vomit pill.
sigh.
i hate the feeling when they start melting in ur throat.
or worse still, they melt in ur mouth.
they taste like..
hmmm.
vomit.
=D

i just had chinese O lvls oral.
shucks.
this is very bad
worse than what i've done for mid years
to think i had confidence for my oral.
HAIX.

wo zhong yu zhi dao le.
ye xu.. wo zao jiu ying gai zhi dao.
dan,
xian zai cai zhi dao ye bu suan chi ah.
wo hui shou zhe wo de nuo yan.
yi zhi deng ni.
dan,
wo bu hui zai jiu can bu qing.
yin wei wo bu xiang zai da rao ni.
ni hen dui.
hai shi xue ye bi jiao zhong yao.
=)
deng de dao hai shi deng bu dao,
wu suo wei.
zhi yao ni xin fu, kuai le.

ai ni.

2:04 AM
shenghui*

hui yi guo qu*

the past ]]*